Guide 1: Fostering Healthy Masculinity and Emotional Resilience in Boys
Introduction
Talking to boys about gender roles, feelings, and identity can be tough, especially when society often tells them to “man up” or bottle up emotions. The Netflix series Adolescence opens a door to these conversations, showing how the absence of empathy, connection, and emotional tools can steer a boy toward dangerous paths. The show follows a typical 13-year-old boy, Jamie, who is arrested for the brutal murder of a female classmate, exposing how easily a teen can be radicalized by toxic online communities. The series was created specifically to chart the emotional impact of misogyny-fueled violence through one family’s story. It dramatizes how a seemingly “normal” boy can get pulled into the online “manosphere,” illustrating the real dangers that exist on the internet for today’s youth.
This three-part guide is designed to support you in navigating the essential but difficult conversations Adolescence might spark.
The tone here is unifying, non-judgmental, and empathetic: you are not alone in facing these issues. In fact, even national leaders are watching Adolescence with their families; UK official Sir Keir Starmer praised the series after viewing it with his teens, calling violence against girls “abhorrent… a growing problem… we have to tackle it”. The goal is to replace fear with understanding and empower you to guide your tween or teen with confidence and compassion. Together, we can turn Adolescence into an opportunity for growth and open dialogue.
This first guide will help you explore healthy masculinity and emotional resilience with your sons, what it means to feel deeply, connect genuinely, and grow into strong, caring men.
What Is Healthy Masculinity?
What do we mean by “healthy masculinity”? In simplest terms, it’s a positive, inclusive approach to being a boy or man, one that values empathy, respect, and emotional honesty, rather than dominance, suppression of feelings, or aggression. Adolescence poses the question, “What can happen to a boy who’s rejected by traditional masculinity?”. Jamie is a slight, sensitive 13-year-old who doesn’t fit the “macho” stereotypes of “how a real man should be.” Feeling alienated, he turns to online forums that preach a warped version of manhood. This is a common scenario: when boys don’t feel they measure up to old-school “tough guy” ideals, they may seek belonging in toxic communities that promise to make them “real men.” The tragedy is that these spaces often equate masculinity with misogyny and violence, rather than with positive traits. As Stephen Graham (who co-created the show) said, recent stories of young male violence “hurt my heart” and made him ask, “What’s going on in our society?”. Part of the answer lies in how we’re teaching (or not teaching) boys about being men.
In Adolescence, unhealthy vs. healthy masculinity is a core tension. Jamie’s father, Eddie, represents the older generation’s idea of manhood, he’s hardworking but emotionally reserved, unsure how to connect with his son. Jamie, meanwhile, is bombarded by online messages about being a “high-value male” or needing to “man up.” At one point, teens in the show cite the so-called “80-20 rule” from the manosphere: the (false) claim that 80% of women only want the top 20% of men, so average guys have to “trick” girls into sex because “you’ll never get them in a normal way”. These toxic ideas frame relationships as a battle of the sexes and tell boys they must be manipulative or cruel to assert masculinity.
Healthy masculinity rejects that notion entirely. It says a boy doesn’t have to demean others to feel confident. Instead, qualities like kindness, cooperation, and respect are valued.
How to foster healthy masculinity: Start by affirming to your son that there’s no one “right” way to be a boy. Boys can be strong and gentle; they can enjoy sports and express their feelings. Let him know that feeling sensitive or compassionate doesn’t make him “less manly.” In fact, it takes courage to be yourself in a world that sometimes pressures boys to hide their emotions. You can share examples of men (public figures or men in your own life) who display positive masculinity, like male coaches who encourage teamwork and respect, or a father who is a caring nurturer. Adolescence ultimately shows that when boys aren’t given healthy outlets or role models, they may fall prey to unhealthy ones. By talking openly about these issues, you become a safe reference point for your child. Emphasize that true strength means having integrity and empathy, not just physical power or sexual conquests.
Conversation Starters for Healthy Masculinity: (Choose a few that feel natural, and use them to get dialogue flowing)
- “Jamie in Adolescence feels he isn’t seen as ‘manly’ by some of his peers. What do you think makes someone a ‘real man’ or ‘masculine’? Who are men you admire, and why?”
- “Have you ever heard phrases like ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘be a man’ when someone is upset? What do you think about that? Do you feel like you must act a certain way because you’re a boy?”
- “There’s a lot of talk these days about ‘toxic masculinity.’ I think it means when guys feel they must be aggressive or sexist to fit in. What do you think healthy masculinity looks like, in contrast?”
Reflection Questions for Caregivers: (Take a moment to consider your own perspectives, this will help you approach the conversation without judgement)
- “What messages about manhood did I grow up with? Did I ever feel pressure to be ‘tough’ or hide my feelings? How might my son’s experience be similar or different today?”
- “How do I react when my child behaves in a way that doesn’t fit old-fashioned gender norms? (For example, if he shows vulnerability or cries.) Do I support him, or do I unintentionally shut him down? How can I do better?”
- “In what ways can I model healthy masculinity? Can I show empathy, admit mistakes, or talk about my feelings to set an example that it’s okay for him to do the same?”
Try this: Share a personal story of a time when you (or someone close) felt pressured to act “like a man” in a way that felt wrong. Maybe you felt you shouldn’t cry in public, or you joined in on locker-room talk that was demeaning, and you regret it. Explain how you learned from it. By being honest, you show your child that it’s human to struggle with these pressures, and that we can make more caring choices once we recognize them.
What Is Emotional Resilience and Why It Matters
This is perhaps the most important theme underlying all the others. Emotional resilience and empathy are like the immune system and heart of a young person’s character, they protect against the “infection” of hateful ideologies and allow healthy connections with others. In Adolescence, we witness what happens when these qualities are lacking or stunted. Jamie, for various reasons, wasn’t equipped to cope with the bullying and rejection he felt. He didn’t have the resilience to handle his pain constructively, nor the empathy to see his classmate Katie as a real person with feelings (instead, she became a symbol of everything he hated). Part of building a safer world, as the show grimly illustrates, is raising boys who can feel hurt without turning that hurt into hate.
Emotional resilience means being able to recover from setbacks, adapt to change, and keep difficulties in perspective. For a tween/teen boy, that could be getting through a friendship drama, a crush that isn’t reciprocated, or failing a test, without feeling like it’s the end of the world or that they have to blame someone. It doesn’t mean they won’t feel upset; it means they can feel upset and then bounce back with hope and a plan. Empathy means understanding and caring about what others feel. When a boy has empathy, he can imagine how others might experience situations, this is crucial for countering the “us vs. them” mentality of misogyny. If Jamie had empathy, he might have thought about how Katie felt being called names as well, or how girls might feel afraid when boys lash out. The show underscores that in Jamie’s school, boys and girls had become deeply divided (“us and them”), with “girls fired up [against sexism]… and boys feeling under attack”. Bringing those groups together to share their experiences was shown as “really powerful”, because it builds empathy on both sides.
How to nurture resilience: Encourage your child to talk about their disappointments and challenges, and validate their feelings. It’s tempting to say “Oh, that’s not a big deal, you’ll get over it” when a teen is upset about something that, to adult eyes, seems minor. But to them it is big. If we dismiss it, they don’t learn to process the emotion; they learn to bury it or feel ashamed by it. Instead, acknowledge: “I can see you’re really hurt” or “It’s okay to feel angry/sad; that sounds really tough.” Once they feel heard, you can gently guide them to see it in perspective and brainstorm coping strategies. For example, if a friend group exclusion happened: after empathizing, you might ask, “What do you think would make you feel better? Maybe doing something you enjoy this weekend, or talking it out with one of the friends, or even focusing on other friendships?” By guiding them to solutions (rather than just giving solutions), you help them build that mental muscle to recover from setbacks. Over time, experiences of overcoming little challenges add up, and the next challenge is easier. Then, if and when they encounter some online community telling them “your pain is unique and it’s all someone else’s fault,” their resilient side will say, “Hmm, I’ve felt pain before and got through it without blaming others, maybe this is not the right answer.”
How to cultivate empathy:
One great way is by modelling it. Show empathy to your child and others in everyday situations. Let’s say your son has a conflict with a teacher. Instead of immediately siding with either, you could say, “I understand you feel treated unfairly. I also wonder what the teacher’s perspective is. Maybe they were stressed or misinterpreted what happened.” Even if the teacher was wrong, discussing perspective teaches your child to consider all sides. You can also engage your teen in thinking about other people’s feelings: discuss news stories by asking, “How do you think the people in that situation felt?” or talk about characters in shows/movies: “Why do you think [Character X] acted that way? What might have been going through their mind?” Family volunteering or community service can also be excellent for building empathy, interacting with people from different walks of life, seeing others’ struggles, and helping can widen a teen’s understanding and compassion.
Special note on empathy towards girls/women: Given the specific issue of misogyny, it’s worth encouraging your son to listen to girls’ perspectives. If he has sisters, female friends, or cousins, help him pay attention to their experiences. If appropriate, maybe have a mixed conversation (with your child’s sister or a female relative involved) about something like online harassment or school dynamics between genders. The key is not to make it accusatory (“See how girls have it tough too!”) but exploratory. For instance, “Your cousin mentioned she sometimes feels uncomfortable with how boys talk at school. Have you observed that? Why do you think those boys do that? How could one of the boys maybe handle his feelings differently?” These discussions can plant seeds of awareness. The goal is for your son to see girls as full human beings with feelings just like his. That sounds obvious, but when the internet is full of dehumanizing terms (calling women “femoids” or “holes” as incels do, a strong counterweight of real empathy is needed.
Conversation Starters for Resilience & Empathy:
- “Everyone faces disappointment or rejection at times. I’m curious, what do you do when you feel really down about something? (Like getting a bad grade, or if someone you like doesn’t like you back, or a big argument with a friend.) Is there anything that helps you feel better or cope?”
- “Jamie in the show was really upset and felt alone, but he didn’t talk to anyone about it, he kind of turned inward until he exploded. If you put yourself in Jamie’s shoes, what do you think he was feeling and thinking before he… did that awful thing? What else could he have done when he was feeling that way?”
- “Can we talk about that scene where [perhaps reference a specific moment from Adolescence where someone showed or lacked empathy]? How did the different characters feel? Do you think anyone could have said or done something in that moment to change what happened?”
- “Sometimes it’s hard for anyone, teen or adult, to admit when they’re hurt or struggling. Do you feel like you have people (me, or others) you can talk to when you’re having a rough time? I want you to know I’m always here to listen, even if it’s something I might not ‘get’ immediately. I’ll do my best to understand.”
Reflection Questions for Caregivers:
- “Do I make it ‘safe’ for my son to show emotion? Or do I inadvertently send the message that he should ‘toughen up’? Think about the last time he was visibly upset, how did I respond? What might I try differently next time to validate first, advise later?”
- “How do I handle my own frustrations or failures in front of my child? Kids learn resilience by watching. If I blow up or melt down or always blame others when something goes wrong, that’s what I’m teaching (even unintentionally). If I haven’t been modelling resilience, it’s not too late, I can start by maybe sharing a story at dinner about something I struggled with and how I’m working through it.”
- “In what ways can I encourage empathy in my household? Maybe we can start a routine of sharing ‘rose and thorn’ of the day (something good and something hard) so everyone listens to each other. Or perhaps we pick a charity as a family to support. How can I integrate more activities or moments that make us think of others’ perspectives regularly?”
Building these skills over time: Emotional resilience and empathy don’t develop overnight from one talk; they are cultivated through many small interactions. Keep an eye out for teachable moments. If your child is visibly upset after school, consider that a golden opportunity: approach them with care (maybe give them a snack and a comfortable space) and invite them to talk. If they shrug you off, that’s okay, leave the door open (“If you want to chat later, I’m here”). When they do open up, resist the urge to immediately “fix” the problem or judge their feelings. Often, just listening and saying “That sounds really hard” can be amazingly helpful. Once the storm of emotion passes, help them reflect: “What did you learn from this? What would you do if it happens again?”, questions like these gently coach them in resilience.
For empathy, you might establish that kindness is a family value. Praise your son when he does something thoughtful or shows concern for someone. Discuss issues of fairness and justice in the world, not as abstract news, but in terms of real people’s feelings. Encourage him to mentor or help someone younger, even helping a younger sibling with homework builds patience and understanding. If he makes a hurtful remark about a group of people (“ugh, those people are so…whatever”), challenge it constructively: “You know, I wonder if that’s true for everyone. It might seem that way from a distance, but maybe if we knew them personally, we’d feel differently.” Remind him (and yourself) that empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone; it just means recognizing their humanity.
As the Harper’s Bazaar commentary on Adolescence wisely noted, the conversation about these issues “is not an us and them”. We shouldn’t frame it as “good empathetic people vs. bad incels.” It’s about understanding the root causes and helping young people of this generation, our sons and daughters, navigate a world where they will encounter both good and bad influences. Empathy is a two-way street: we need to show empathy for our sons even as we expect them to learn empathy for others. They may stumble, say cringey or mean things as they figure stuff out, but with patient guidance, they can mature past it. Many former incels or radicalized youths (yes, there are those who reform) say that what helped them was someone showing them compassion and believing they could change, rather than just condemning them. So if you ever worry “Oh no, my child said something awful, is he turning into a monster?” take a breath and respond with love and firmness, not panic.
Conclusion
Building emotionally healthy boys takes time, patience, and lots of conversations, some easy, some uncomfortable. But you’re not alone. The Dragonfly Centre created this guide to help you raise boys who aren’t afraid of their feelings, who see kindness as strength, and who treat others with dignity and care. When we nurture boys’ capacity for empathy and resilience, we help prevent harm, not just to others, but to themselves. Keep the dialogue going and remember: your presence and support make all the difference.