Talking with kids about tough topics like online hate, misogyny, and violence can be challenging. Adolescence, a new Netflix limited series, brings these issues to the forefront in a powerful way. The show follows a typical 13-year-old boy, Jamie, who is arrested for the brutal murder of a female classmate, exposing how easily a teen can be radicalized by toxic online communities. The series was created specifically to chart the emotional impact of misogyny-fueled violence through one family’s story. It dramatizes how a seemingly “normal” boy can get pulled into the online “manosphere,” illustrating the real dangers that exist on the internet for today’s youth.
Adolescence is a four-part drama (each episode filmed in one continuous take) that centers on the Miller family in England. Their world is upended when 13-year-old Jamie is accused of stabbing his classmate, Katie, to death. In the aftermath, Jamie’s parents and sister struggle to comprehend how and why he committed such a horrific act. What quickly becomes clear is that Jamie had fallen down an online rabbit hole of extremist misogynistic content. The show’s creators, actor Stephen Graham and writer Jack Thorne, were inspired by real-life incidents of boys committing violence against girls and wanted to “look into the eye of male rage” fueling these tragedies.
Thorne, the shows creator, deliberately avoided pinning blame on one person (even though the show does reference real figures like Tate) because he wanted to show “just how enticing radicalization can be” in general. In other words, Adolescence illustrates that it’s not just “bad kids” or one bad website, it’s a whole environment that can gradually lure vulnerable young boys and men into hate.
The final guide in this series is meant to help you understand the world your child may be exposed to online: the manosphere, incel ideology, and the process of online radicalization. These forces often go unnoticed until it’s too late. But by starting conversations early, and approaching them with empathy and awareness, we can intervene before harm is done. Adolescence shows us what can happen when no one steps in. This guide is about helping you step in, with compassion, boundaries, and a belief that our kids can do better when we know better.
Online Radicalization: How It Happens and How to Prevent It
Understanding online radicalization: Radicalization means someone adopting extreme beliefs that move them toward harmful action (like violence or severe hatred). Online radicalization is when this process happens primarily through internet content and communities. In Jamie’s case, we see a clear depiction of a young teen radicalized into misogynistic violence entirely via online influence, there was no in-person cult or gang, “just” videos and forums on his phone. The scary truth is that this isn’t fiction; real kids around the world have been similarly radicalized by online extremist content, whether it’s incel ideology, violent misogyny, conspiracy theories, or even terrorist propaganda. Adolescence drives home how quick and easy this can happen: over just a few months, an isolated 13-year-old goes from typical teen struggles to committing a murder. The show “was made to chart… how easy it is for a boy to be radicalized online”, and indeed it shows loving parents who still miss the warning signs because they didn’t know what to look for.
So how does a kid like Jamie get pulled in? There are a few common stages in online radicalization: vulnerability, encounter, immersion, and identity shift. Jamie’s vulnerability was his loneliness and feelings of rejection (being bullied, not fitting in). The encounter was likely stumbling on a charismatic online figure (maybe a streamer ranting about how unfair life is for boys). Then immersion: the more he watched and engaged, the more the algorithm showed him similar content, soon he’s in an echo chamber where every video or chat reinforces the same extremist ideas. Finally, identity shift: Jamie starts to see himself as part of this “incel” or anti-feminist movement and adopts its worldview to the point of taking action. Jack Thorne, the co-writer of Adolescence, said in an interview that he “understands how easily kids can get lured into incel ideology”, even he, as an adult researching it, felt the pull of some arguments. Thorne admitted, “I knew there were elements of it that would’ve made real sense to me [as a young man]”. This is a crucial point for parents: the propaganda in these communities often contains kernels of truth or relatability (e.g., “Have you ever felt awkward around girls? It’s not just you!”) which they use to hook young people before moving to destructive lies (“Girls will always reject you because they’re evil or only want rich guys”).
Warning signs: How might you know if your tween or teen is being radicalized online? Look for changes in behaviour and attitude. Are they becoming more angry or bitter about topics like girls, dating, or gender roles? Do they suddenly use new vocabulary, perhaps calling people “feminist” like it’s an insult, labeling others “NPCs” (internet slang for people who don’t ‘get it’), or talking about taking the “red pill” (jargon for waking up to a supposed hidden reality)? Do they isolate themselves more, spending long hours online and getting defensive or secretive about what they’re doing? You might notice a loss of empathy in how they talk, for instance, making cruel generalizations (“Women are all liars” or “Girls at my school are stuck-up”) whereas before they didn’t speak that way. They might also exhibit a kind of obsession with certain figures or communities online, quoting them constantly or insisting you “just don’t understand” what they now believe. Any one of these signs might just be normal teen angst or phase, but a combination and an intensification over time could indicate a problem.
It’s worth noting, as Adolescence does, that not every kid will react the same way to the same content. Thorne and Graham specifically showed that “other boys could experience the same exact things and not end up” committing violence. Personality, offline support networks, and mental health all play roles in who gets deeply radicalized. That means our focus should be twofold: reducing exposure to toxic content when possible and strengthening the child’s resilience and critical thinking so that even if they do encounter it, they are less likely to be swayed.
How to counteract online radicalization: One of the most effective tools is open communication, making sure your child knows they can talk to you about anything they see, without fear of over-reaction. As one expert from a youth program advises, it’s better to be “curious rather than reactive”. If your teen comes out with a shocking statement (such as, “Actually I think those incels have a point that girls only like certain guys”), the instinct might be to exclaim “That’s ridiculous! Don’t say that!” But a more constructive response could be, “Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. What makes you feel that way?”. Then listen. This doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’re trying to understand the root of their belief. Maybe they’ll reveal, “Well, I just feel like no girls notice me, and I saw this guy online who basically said exactly that…”. Now you have a starting point to empathize (“I remember feeling so awkward at your age too… it’s tough”) and then gently challenge the extremist narrative (“The part I disagree with is blaming all girls, feeling invisible is hard, but I don’t think insulting or hating girls will help. Let’s talk about what might help you and also how girls might feel in all this.”). By not exploding at the initial comment, you keep the door open.
Additionally, consider setting reasonable boundaries on internet use while explaining your reasons. For example, no devices after a certain hour at night (and you follow the same rule yourself). This isn’t just to police them, but because late-night doom-scrolling can amplify negative content consumption. You might also check in on what communities they’re part of online. If they’re on Reddit, Discord, or other forums, ask about those: “What’s your favorite subreddit or server? What do people mostly talk about there?” Get a sense if it’s healthy fandom stuff or if it’s veering into toxic territory. If you suspect it’s toxic, don’t immediately demand they quit it (unless it’s truly dangerous), but you can explore it together. Maybe look at some posts or replies and discuss how people are talking to each other there, ask your teen how participating in that community makes them feel. Many teens, when guided to reflect, can themselves recognize “Actually, it makes me feel more angry/ hopeless being on there.” If so, support them in stepping away: “Maybe take a break from that forum and see how you feel. You could spend time in a different community that’s more positive, like one for your favourite game or music?” Essentially, help them replace the bad influence with a better one, rather than leaving a void.
Conversation Starters for Online Radicalization:
- “The show made me think about how people online can influence us without us realizing. Have you ever gone down a ‘rabbit hole’ online? You start watching one video, and then two hours later you’re watching something extreme or totally different from where you started. How did you feel afterward?”
- “Why do you think Jamie in Adolescence started believing all that hateful stuff? Do you think someone was actively recruiting him, or did he just kind of slide into it? Could something like that happen to kids you know?”
- “If one of your friends started saying some really extreme things they heard online, like suddenly hating a group of people, how would you react? What do you think is a good way to talk to a friend like that?”
- “Have you ever seen content that was like… trying to get you angry or riled up about something? I sometimes see posts that feel like they’re trying to push buttons. What do you do when you see stuff like that?”
Reflection Questions for Caregivers:
- “Do I create an environment where my child feels safe sharing even uncomfortable things? If my teen admitted they were watching a controversial figure, could I handle it calmly? What can I do to improve trust so they know I’m on their team, not just there to punish?”
- “Am I paying attention to my child’s mental and emotional state? If they seem more withdrawn or hostile lately, have I gently inquired what’s going on, or have I been avoiding that conversation? (Remember, changes could be due to many things, not just radicalization, but it’s good to be attentive.)”
- “How much do I know about the concept of online radicalization myself? Perhaps I can read up on how extremist groups target youth online (there are good parent guides from organizations that deal with radicalization). The more I know, the more confidently I can intervene or seek help if needed.”
Tip: If you discover your child is already in deep (for example, you find concerning messages or they admit to believing very extreme views), don’t hesitate to seek professional help. There are counsellors and organizations that specialize in de-radicalization of youth. This doesn’t mean your child is “bad” or “lost”, think of it like they’ve been indoctrinated into a harmful belief system, and they need help to exit it, much like one would help someone leave a cult. Throughout the process, keep showing them that your love is unconditional. They may have fallen into a bad crowd online, but you see their potential for good. Remind them (and yourself) that people can and do come back from these ideologies. With patience, conversation, and often outside support, they can rediscover healthier ways of thinking.
Finally, remember that preventing radicalization is much easier than undoing it. By having regular, open chats (like using this guide) about their online life and feelings, you are doing a lot to inoculate your child against extremist influences. Knowing they can talk to you acts like a safety valve, it releases pressure and confusion before it builds up to a dangerous level. Your calm presence and guidance can be the difference that keeps a kid like Jamie from ever reaching that breaking point. As one expert noted in discussions about Adolescence, the key is prioritizing your relationship with your teen and not reacting with fear or anger at the first sign of trouble. With that approach, you become the person they turn to when they’re unsure about something online, rather than the person they hide it from.
The Manosphere and Incel Communities
Defining the terms: You may have heard these words in news or from Adolescence, and it’s important to understand them. The “manosphere” refers to a collection of online spaces, forums, YouTube channels, chat groups, that are dominated by extreme anti-feminist, misogynistic, or male-supremacist ideologies. It’s an umbrella term covering various sub-groups: incels, pick-up artists, men’s rights activists, “alpha male” lifestyle gurus, and so on. What they all have in common is a belief that men or boys are being treated unfairly by society or by women, and a promotion of anger and hatred as a response. An “incel” is one of those sub-groups. Incel stands for “involuntary celibate”, basically, men (usually young men) who feel they cannot attract women romantically or sexually. Incels form online communities where they bond over this shared frustration, but rather than support each other to grow or improve, they collectively blame women for their problems. In incel forums, you’ll see them spouting that women are shallow or cruel for not dating them, and in the worst cases, some incels encourage violence or revenge.
Incel ideology in Adolescence: In the show, the term “incel” comes up as a school insult, some kids (including the victim, Katie) had taunted Jamie online, calling him an incel. Jamie initially rejects that label in the story (as many real teens would, since being called an incel is not exactly flattering). However, he secretly starts consuming incel content, likely out of curiosity and because he feels isolated, and those ideas begin to shape him. We see Jamie mimicking the manosphere’s teachings, for example by “negging” (backhanded insulting) his female psychologist to try to assert power. He’s basically parroting what he’s heard from misogynistic influencers. One chilling line from Adolescence has a teen boy confidently explaining a manosphere concept: “80% of women are attracted to 20% of men… you must trick them. “This kind of toxic “advice” clearly illustrates how these communities fill young boys’ heads with grossly distorted ideas about relationships. The manosphere influencers (like the fictional streamer Jamie followed, or real ones such as Andrew Tate) sell a vision of quick fixes: “Do this and you’ll get girls/money/respect.” As one expert put it, they give a “nicely packaged answer” to whatever pain or humiliation a boy might be feeling.
The problem is, the answer is always misogyny, blaming and devaluing women, which doesn’t truly solve the boy’s problems and instead fuels anger.
Why kids get drawn in: The manosphere and incel communities can be strangely seductive to troubled young men. If a boy feels awkward, lonely, or rejected (which many do at some point), these communities tell him, “It’s not your fault, it’s women’s fault” or “Society is rigged against you as a boy.” That message can feel like relief: it offers a scapegoat and a sense of belonging with other “outsider” guys. As one commentator noted, the incel community “offers solace to misguided young men” by making them feel their grievances are valid but then channels that pain toward hate. It’s a thought-disease: it takes normal teen insecurities and twists them into resentment. And because it often happens in private corners of the internet, parents may not realize it’s happening until the behaviour changes become drastic.
However, it’s important to stress (to ourselves and our kids) that not all boys who check out this content will become incels or violent extremists. In fact, experts say only a small pocket of teenage boys truly embrace the “incel” identity. Most might just brush against these ideas, maybe repeating a misogynistic joke or slogan without fully meaning it. That said, even casual exposure can be harmful. A boy might not call himself an incel, but if he starts thinking girls are “generally dumb” or that feminism is “evil,” that mindset will hurt his relationships and well-being. So, we do need to address it, even if our son isn’t deeply involved.
How to address it: The first step is creating a non-judgmental space to talk about these concepts. If you come in hot with “I forbid you from watching this garbage” or “How could you believe these idiots?”, you’re likely to shut down communication. Remember, your child might be confused or curious about these things and not yet sure what to think. It’s healthier to explore it together than to issue a flat ban (though of course you can set boundaries on extreme content while explaining why). Take a stance of curiosity and guidance. For example, you might say: “I heard a lot about these ‘incel’ groups online. I read that it means some guys feel really hurt because they can’t get a girlfriend, and they end up blaming girls and women. Have you come across that idea or anything like it?” This sort of opener invites your child to share what they’ve seen or heard, without the fear that you’ll think they’re a bad person. If they have seen these things, ask, “What do you think about it? Does any of it make sense to you? What parts do you not agree with?” Let them do the talking. You might be surprised, they could find it as toxic as you do, or they might admit, “Well, I kind of get why those guys feel that way.” That’s a chance to empathize (“Feeling rejected or lonely hurts, I get that”) and then gently offer a different perspective (“But do you think blaming all girls really fixes anything? What else could they do with those feelings?”).
It’s also okay to call out hateful behaviour firmly, while still caring for the person. For instance: “I need you to know that using words like ‘b****’ or ‘females’ in a nasty way to talk about girls is not okay, it’s hurtful and I won’t tolerate hate in our home. If you’re feeling upset at someone or something, let’s talk about it in a respectful way.” Setting that standard is important. At the same time, make sure they know you’re doing it out of love and values, not because you’re “against them.” In Adolescence, we sadly see the worst-case scenario of no intervention, Jamie’s hateful ideas fester until he commits a crime. In real life, we can intervene much earlier with conversation, education, and sometimes professional help if needed.
Conversation Starters for Manosphere & Incels:
- “The show mentioned terms like ‘incel’ and showed how Jamie got into weird forums. Have you ever heard words like incel, simp, alpha, red pill, or anything like that at school or online? What do you think people mean when they use those?”
- “There are these YouTubers/streamers out there (like Andrew Tate, etc.) who say they teach guys how to be men or get girls, but a lot of people say they actually just spread hate against women. Have you come across anyone like that online? What do you make of them?”
- “Why do you think communities like incels exist? What do you think those guys are really feeling or dealing with? Do you think their anger is justified in any way, or do they have it wrong?”
- “In Adolescence, some of the girls bully Jamie by calling him an incel, and the boys and girls at school seem almost at war with each other. Do you ever notice anything like a divide between boys and girls at your school or friend group? What’s that like?”
(These questions can help you gauge what your teen already knows or believes. Be prepared for eye-rolling, many teens will say “Ugh, I know, those incel guys are losers” which is a relief, or they might say “It’s just jokes, no one really means it,” which opens a door to discuss impact vs. intent. If your teen is defensive or parrots incel-like statements, try not to panic. Stay calm and dig into why they think that.)
Reflection Questions for Caregivers:
- “Am I aware of the language and slang of the manosphere? If my kid said, ‘Women are all gold-diggers’ or used a phrase like ‘red-pilled,’ would I recognize it as a sign of these ideologies? If not, how can I educate myself (e.g. reading articles, this guide, or resources from agencies like Dragonfly Centre) so I’m not in the dark?”
- “How would I react if I discovered my child has been watching someone like Andrew Tate or visiting incel forums? What would my first emotion be (anger, fear, disappointment, concern)? How can I manage those emotions so I can approach my child in a way that actually helps and doesn’t just punish?”
- “Do I unknowingly reinforce any sexist ideas at home? (For example, joking that boys are messy or girls are drama, or expecting my son to behave a certain way ‘because he’s a boy’.) Our kids absorb our words; to guide them away from misogyny, I should also model respect in how I talk about genders.”
Tips for discussing these communities: If your teen expresses some agreement with manosphere ideas (even just “women only like jerks” or “feminism is ruining things”), try a technique of asking questions that prompt empathy. For instance: “It sounds like you feel like boys are sometimes treated like the bad guys. I can see why you’d feel that way with all the talk about toxic masculinity. But why do you think people started talking about that in the first place? Do you think girls ever experience things that feel unfair to them too?” By encouraging them to step into others’ shoes, you’re gently countering the one-sided narrative they’ve heard. Also, share facts or reality-checks when appropriate: e.g., if they think “women have it easier now,” you might mention that 1 in 3 women globally still face physical or sexual violence in their lifetime, so efforts for women’s equality aren’t about putting men down, but about keeping women safe. Keep the tone conversational, not like a lecture. You could say, “I read this and it really struck me…” so it’s more about mutual learning than you instructing them. And importantly, reassure your child that you know they are capable of respect and kindness. Sometimes teens emulate these toxic personas because they think it’s cool or funny, not realizing it can truly harm how they see others. Point out their positive qualities: “I know you care about fairness. That’s why I want to talk about this stuff, because I think some of those online guys pretend to be about fairness for men, but really, they just end up being cruel to women. And cruelty isn’t going to help anyone, including us men.”
Continuing the Dialogue and Staying Connected
One conversation is not enough, and that’s okay. The topics raised by Adolescence (healthy masculinity, media influence, online hate, empathy) are complex and ongoing. Think of this guide and your initial talks as the beginning of an ongoing dialogue. It’s actually beneficial to have these talks in bite-sized pieces over time, rather than one big “very special episode” talk. Teens often absorb ideas gradually. You might find that something you brought up casually today, your child comes back to you with a question about it next week. That’s a win! It means they’re processing it.
Here are some strategies to keep the conversation going naturally over months and years:
- Regular check-ins: Find a time that works routinely, maybe during car rides, family dinners, or a weekly walk, to just chat about life. It doesn’t always have to be about heavy topics, but by keeping communication channels open, your teen is more likely to bring up concerns. You can occasionally toss in a question like, “Seen anything interesting online lately?” or “How are things going with friends?” so it’s normal to talk about these aspects.
- Shared media moments: Consider watching shows, movies, or YouTube videos together that can spark discussion. If your teen is open to it, watching Adolescence together could be powerful. (One expert suggests saying, “Hey, I heard about this show. I’d love to watch it and discuss it with you and hear your thoughts.” framing it as you valuing their opinion.) If not Adolescence, maybe another film or even a trendy YouTube documentary on social media’s effects. After watching, ask them what they thought and share your perspective too. This not only provides material to talk about but also demonstrates that you respect their media world.
- Use real events as teachable moments: Unfortunately, news of misogynistic violence or online hate incidents do come up. When age-appropriate, discuss these news stories. For example, if there’s a report of a teen arrested for a violence related to incel culture, you could say, “Remember how that was just like in Adolescence? What do you think leads someone to do that in real life? How could it have been prevented?” Keep it a dialogue, not a sermon. Similarly, positive stories, like a school taking initiatives to educate about healthy relationships, can be uplifting examples to discuss (“Hey, I saw some schools are starting to talk about consent and respect in assemblies, do you have anything like that at your school? Would it be helpful?”).
- Involve other allies: You don’t have to do this alone. Consider talking with other parents about these issues, they are likely struggling with the same concerns. Sometimes group discussions (like a parent night or inviting your teen’s friends and their parents for an informal chat) can be beneficial, as long as it’s a supportive environment, not finger-pointing at any kid. Schools are also increasingly aware of the impact of the manosphere on students. You might inquire if the school is addressing topics like media literacy, digital citizenship, or gender-based bullying. If not, perhaps you (or a group of parents) can encourage them to bring in programs (the Dragonfly Centre or similar organizations often have workshops for schools). Knowing that the school is reinforcing these values can help you at home, and vice versa.
- Lead with understanding, not fear: Throughout all your continued conversations, try to emphasize understanding. That means understanding why these harmful ideologies appeal to some (so your kid doesn’t feel you’re just saying “those people are crazy”, instead, you acknowledge the real issues, like loneliness or identity, that draw people in). It also means understanding your child’s world, staying curious about the games they play, the celebrities or influencers they follow, the slang they use. If your teen sees that you’re making an effort to “get it,” they’re more likely to keep talking to you. Fear-based approaches (“If you watch that stuff you’ll become a killer” or “the internet is dangerous, stay off it!”) usually backfire or get tuned out by teens. A more effective tone is, “I know you’ll encounter some of this, so let’s figure it out together.”
- Correct misperceptions gently and consistently: If your teen expresses a harmful stereotype or repeats a false claim, correct it, but do so by first acknowledging their perspective. For example, “I hear you, you think the girls in your class get a free pass when they are mean to boys. No one should be mean. But I also think sometimes the boys might not notice when they are crossing a line with the girls. Both sides need to be respectful.” This way you’re not dismissing their feelings of unfairness, but you’re widening the lens to include empathy for the other side too. It might not sink in immediately, but these little nudges accumulate.
- Reinforce the good: Whenever you catch your child displaying critical thinking, kindness, or resilience, point it out and praise it. “I noticed you deleted that app because it was wasting your time, that’s some great self-awareness.” Or “I was proud of how you stood up for that girl in your group project when others were talking over her. That’s real leadership.” Positive reinforcement not only boosts their confidence in those behaviours, but also shows that you value them and see the maturity they’re developing.
Lastly, take heart that your efforts matter. Even if your teen sometimes seems like they’re not listening or rolls their eyes, trust that on some level, your words and the fact that you care do register. The Rolling Stone piece on Adolescence highlighted that tackling this culture problem will need “multiple solutions” and everyone to lean in. As a caregiver, you’re on the front lines of those solutions, and small changes at home can ripple outward. Today’s empathetic, media-savvy, resilient teens become tomorrow’s empathetic, wise adults who might help others in turn.
Conclusion:
Navigating the teenage years was never easy, and the internet has added new layers of complexity. But this also means new opportunities, we are more aware now of the challenges our boys face, and we have tools and knowledge to address issues like misogyny and radicalization before they escalate. Adolescence may be a fictional show, but the conversations it’s sparking are very real and very needed. By using this guide, you’ve taken a proactive step. You’re showing that you care not just about what your child does, but who they become. With your steady guidance, your tween/teen can learn to critically evaluate toxic messages, express their emotions in healthy ways, and empathize with others even when angry or hurt. Those skills will serve them for life, long after the latest social media trend or online influencer fades away.
Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to say, “I’m not sure, let’s find out together,” or to revisit a topic if it didn’t go well the first time (“I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day, and I wanted to hear more of your thoughts on it”). What matters most is your presence and willingness to engage. Your teen might act like these talks are a chore, but deep down, knowing that you’re in their corner provides security that they truly need (even if they never admit it!). Keep at it, and celebrate the little wins, a thoughtful question your teen asks, a slight shift in their attitude, or even just the fact that they spent an hour with you talking.
In the end, fostering understanding over fear is the way forward. Fear might make us want to shut down or shut out the scary things, but understanding helps us face them head-on and overcome them. By understanding your child’s world and helping them understand the wider impact of their choices, you are empowering them. You’re saying: I believe you can handle this, and I’m here to support you. That message can make all the difference. Together, let’s raise a generation of boys (and girls) who are resilient, empathetic, and resistant to hate, a generation that will make us proud with how they carry the values of respect and compassion into adulthood.
Thank you for reading this guide. We at Dragonfly Centre are with you every step of the way as you navigate these crucial conversations. It’s not easy work, but it’s some of the most important work we can do. We hope this guide has embodied that inclusive, empathetic approach. By staying informed (as you have done) and engaged, you are contributing to positive change. Let’s keep the conversation going.