How to Support A Youth in an Unhealthy Relationship
It can be upsetting to watch a youth who you care about navigate an unhealthy relationship—whether it’s a romantic relationship or a close friendship. As someone who wants the best for them, it’s natural to want to step in and protect them. But even with the best intentions, pushing too hard or trying to take control of the situation can backfire. If a youth feels like you’re trying to control their decisions or force them out of the relationship, they may withdraw or become defensive. This can lead to them shutting you out and deepening their attachment to the unhealthy relationship. With that in mind, the best support we can offer is through guidance, patience, and empowerment. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship, create a safe space for conversation, and provide the right kind of support to empower them to make the best decisions for themselves.
Why It Can Be Hard for Youth to Recognize Unhealthy Relationships
Understanding what makes a relationship unhealthy isn’t always easy, especially for young people who are still learning about relationships and self-worth. Here are a few reasons they might struggle:
- Media Portrayal: Movies, TV shows, and social media can normalize or even romanticize toxic behaviours, like jealousy, possessiveness, or excessive dependence, making them seem like signs of love rather than red flags.
- Lack of Experience: Many young people are still learning about relationships and may not have a frame of reference for what is healthy or unhealthy.
- Peer Influence: If their friends normalize controlling or disrespectful behaviours, they may not realize these actions are harmful.
- Fear of Being Alone: They may believe that being in any relationship is better than being single, leading them to tolerate mistreatment.
- Low Self-Esteem: If they don’t feel confident in their own worth, they may accept poor treatment as something they deserve.
Helping the youth to think critically about these influences and providing alternative perspectives can be a powerful way to guide them toward healthier relationships. Helping them see these influences and offering alternative perspectives can be powerful.
What About When the Youth is the One Causing Harm?
It’s equally important to acknowledge when the youth you care for is the one engaging in unhealthy or abusive behaviours. Young people may not recognize their own harmful actions or may justify them based on societal messages or personal insecurities. Some reasons youth may engage in harmful behaviours include:
- Modeling What They See: If they have witnessed unhealthy dynamics in their family, friendships, or media, they may imitate these behaviours without understanding their impact.
- Struggles with Emotional Regulation: Young people are still developing impulse control and emotional regulation, which can sometimes lead to possessiveness, manipulation, or aggression.
- Social Pressures: Cultural messages may encourage dominance, control, or entitlement in relationships, leading them to believe these behaviours are normal.
- Fear of Losing Control: They may act in controlling ways due to their own insecurities or fear of abandonment.
- Lack of Education on Healthy Relationships: If they have never been taught about respect, boundaries, and consent, they may unintentionally engage in harmful behaviours.
Recognizing the Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
You, as a caring adult in their life, can help by keeping an eye out for warning signs, whether they are experiencing harm or causing it. Signs that a young person may be in an unhealthy relationship include:
- Controlling Behaviour: One partner or friend isolates the other from friends, loved ones or tries to control their actions (where they go, who they talk to, what they wear).
- Emotional Manipulation: One partner or friend pressures, guilt-trips, or coerces the other person into doing things that they don’t want to do.
- Lack of Respect: One person is frequently belittled, put-down, dismissed, or subjected to name-calling and insults.
- One-Sided Effort: One person makes all the sacrifices for the relationship.
- Physical or Verbal Aggression: There are threats, intimidation, or actual harm occurring in the relationship.
If the youth you are supporting is experiencing or engaging in these behaviours, it’s essential to address the issue with understanding rather than shame. Many young people are still learning and may need guidance in developing healthier ways to express emotions and navigate relationships.
Creating a Safe Space for Conversation
Youth need to trust that they won’t be judged or punished by you before they will open up about their relationship to you. Here’s how you can help to create a safe space with your youth:
- Approach them with compassion and openness, use non-judgemental language and statements like “I’m here to support you, no matter what”, “You both deserve to feel safe and respected.”, or “If you ever need help figuring things out, I’m here to listen.”
- Ask gentle, open-ended questions like “How does this relationship make you feel?”, What do you enjoy about this relationship, “Is there anything that makes you uncomfortable in this relationship?”
- Validate their feelings and emotions by saying things like “I can see that this is really important to you”, “Your feelings are valid.”, “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way”, “You don’t have to have all the answers right now”, “It’s okay to feel unsure.”, and “I hear you, and I believe you.”.
- Avoid outright labeling their relationship as “bad”, “unhealthy”, or “abusive”. Instead, help them reflect by asking things like, “Do you feel like you can be yourself in this relationship?”, “Is there anything that could be better?”, “What do you wish you could improve in this relationship?”, “Do you feel respected/safe/loved in this relationship?”, “Do you think your partner/friend feels respected/safe/loved in this relationship?”.
- Be patient and let them share at their own pace. You can say things like “It’s ok, take your time”, or “No rush, I’m not going anywhere”. Also keep in mind that silence can be okay, even if it feels a bit awkward. Sometimes it’s just the knowing that you’re there for them, that matters more than the talking.
- Avoid restricting access to the romantic partner or friend as this can create a power struggle and unintended negative consequences. It can make the young person feel isolated, controlled, or even more drawn to the unhealthy relationship as an act of defiance. Instead of forbidding the relationship, it’s more effective to encourage reflection, support social connections, and reinforce positive influences.
Empowering Without Controlling
It is very natural to want to tell the youth you are supporting exactly what to do, or to take over and fix the problem for them, but real support comes from helping them make their own informed choices. You can:
- Encourage them to set their own boundaries and make decisions for themselves. Rather than dictating what they should do, ask them things like “What do you think would make you feel safer and more comfortable in this situation?”, “Could you set any boundaries or expectations with this person to ensure this problem doesn’t happen again?”, or “How do you want to be treated in this relationship?” This helps them define their own limits and expectations.
- Offer resources like books, workshops, or online guides on healthy relationships. This could sound like “Hey, I found this article/book about healthy relationships that I thought you might find helpful. No pressure, but if you’re interested, I can send it to you.”, or “Would you want to do this online course I found about healthy relationships? I was going to try it out and I thought you might be interested too”. Providing resources without forcing them allows them to explore at their own pace.
- Remind them that they deserve respect, kindness, and safety. You can reinforce this by saying, “You are worthy of a relationship where you feel valued and heard,” or “A healthy relationship will never make you feel small or scared.” These affirmations can help counter any doubts they may have about their self-worth.
- Build up their self-confidence and self-worth. You can do this by encouraging the youth you are supporting to join hobbies, sports, or activities that make them feel strong, capable and that reinforces their self-identity beyond the relationship. You can also say things like, “I admire the strength and determination you show in your sport/hobby”, “You are so talented at XYZ, I am so proud of your hard work”, or “The way you support others is incredible—make sure you’re receiving that same support in return”.
What About When the Youth is the One Causing Harm?
Change is possible, and youth who cause harm can learn to build healthier relationships with the right guidance. Your role isn’t to shame them, but to help them recognize their actions, take responsibility, and develop healthier ways to interact with others. Here’s how you can support them:
- Encourage self-reflection without shame. Instead of labeling them as “bad,” help them reflect on their harmful behaviours by asking, “How do you think your actions made the other person feel?”, or “If someone treated you this way, how would you feel?”. Self-awareness is the first step toward change.
- Do not allow excuses or blame-shifting. It’s common for youth who use harmful behaviours in relationships to justify their actions by blaming stress, jealousy, or the other person’s behaviour. You can hold them accountable by saying, “No one else is responsible for your choices/actions except you,” or “Feeling hurt or frustrated never makes it okay to control or harm someone else.”
- Encourage accountability and behaviour change. Ensure the youth understands that taking responsibility is more than just saying “sorry” – it means recognizing the harm caused and actively working to change. Help them think through what taking responsibility looks like by asking, “What do you think a real apology includes?” or “What can you do differently next time?”, “How could you have expressed those feelings in a healthier way?”, or “What could you do differently to communicate without hurting or controlling?”
- Support their personal growth outside of relationships. Help them develop positive coping strategies and self-identity through hobbies, sports, or activities that build emotional regulation, patience, and teamwork. You can reinforce their strengths by saying, “I see how determined you are when you put your mind to something—let’s work on applying that to how you treat others.”
- Help them understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Share books, articles, or online resources about communication, boundaries, and respect. You might say, “I came across this resource about healthy relationships—I think it could help you figure out better ways to handle conflict.” Offering resources without forcing them allows them to engage at their own pace.
Addressing Safety Concerns
If there is any form of abuse – encourage the youth to plan for their safety. This doesn’t need to be a formal safety plan; it can be a simple set of strategies to help a young person navigate difficult situations safely. Some examples include:
- Identifying Safe Adults: Make sure the youth has safe adults who they can go to for support in all areas of their life – school, home, work, or play.
- Identifying Safe Places: Encourage them to know where they can go if they need space or help, such as a friend’s house, school counselor’s office, or a public place.
- Having a Safe Word or Code Word: Establishing a discreet signal they can use with friends, family, or trusted adults when they feel uncomfortable, unsafe, need help or want to leave a situation. Example: “If you ever text me ‘Can I borrow your blue sweater?’ I’ll know to call you and create a reason for you to leave.” or texting a certain emoji with no other context.
- Keeping Important Contacts Handy: Making sure they have easy access to trusted people’s phone numbers, including family members, or helpline services. Make sure that they do not rely on their cell phone alone, as sometimes cell phones die or get broken in abusive relationships – it’s good to have a backup like a small notebook with those contacts.
- Using Technology Safely: Discuss privacy settings and location sharing on social media, ensure they know how to block unwanted contacts.
By having conversations around safety, the youth can feel more in control and prepared for challenging situations without feeling smothered.
What About When the Youth is the One Causing Harm?
Planning for safety is also important for youth who are harming their partner or friend. A safety plan can help them avoid situations where they might act out of anger, frustration, or control, and it gives them strategies to manage their emotions in a healthier way. Here are some ways to support them in making a plan:
- Recognizing Triggers: Help them identify situations, emotions, or stressors that lead to harmful behaviours. Ask, “What usually happens right before you feel the urge to yell, insult, or control?”, or “What warning signs does your body give you before you lose your temper (feeling hot, shaking, clenching their jaw, etc)? Once they know their triggers, they can work on healthier responses.
- Identifying Safe Adults: Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, counselor, or mentor when they feel overwhelmed or recognize they are about to react in a harmful way. A supportive person can help them process emotions and make better choices.
- Creating a Cool Down Strategy: Teach them to step away from heated situations before they escalate into harmful behaviours. This could be whatever works for the youth, like taking a deep breath, other breathing exercises, counting to ten, or saying, “I need a moment to cool down” before continuing a conversation.
- Developing Healthy Outlets for Emotions: Encourage them to channel frustration or stress into activities like sports, creative hobbies, journaling, or mindfulness exercises. Having a productive way to process emotions reduces the likelihood of taking them out on others.
- Using Technology Responsibly: If they’ve engaged in digital abuse—such as excessive texting, monitoring their partner, or posting harmful things—help them set boundaries for themselves, like limiting phone use during conflicts or unfollowing/blocking if they struggle with control.
- Knowing When to Walk Away: If they feel themselves getting too angry or overwhelmed, help them plan an exit strategy. This could be as simple as saying, “Time out, I need a break”, “I can’t continue this conversation while I am upset, let’s talk later” and physically removing themselves from the situation.
By guiding them in creating a plan for managing emotions and behaviours, you are helping them take responsibility for their actions and equipping them with tools for healthier relationships in the future. Change takes time, but safety planning can be a concrete first step.
Continued Teachings About Healthy Relationship Skills
One of the most impactful ways to help the youth you are supporting is by reinforcing what healthy relationships look like. You can do this by having ongoing and recurring conversations about healthy relationships rather than a one-time discussion. Healthy relationship skills are learned over time, and youth need repeated exposure to these ideas before they fully understand and apply them.
- Lead by Example: Teach them about mutual respect, healthy communication, and setting boundaries, and ensure you are modeling those same values in your relationships, whether with friends, family, or romantic partners.
- Use Media & Real-Life Examples: TV shows, movies, social media, and news stories provide great opportunities to discuss relationship dynamics. Ask questions like: “Did you notice how that character handled conflict?”, “What do you think about how they set (or didn’t set) boundaries?”, or “How would you handle a situation like that?”.
These discussions allow youth to recognize both positive and negative relationship patterns in a low-pressure way.
Connecting Them to Outside Resources
Sometimes, outside help can make all the difference. Encourage them to:
- Reach out to helplines or online resources for guidance. A few examples are Dragonfly Centre’s Knowledge Hub or Izzy chat feature, kids help phone, or websites like Amaze.org.
- Consider counseling or peer support groups.
- Follow content creators that educate about healthy relationships on their preferred social media apps, like @thedragonflycentre (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok)
- Reassure them that seeking outside support isn’t a sign of weakness but a way to gain strength and clarity. By connecting youth to external resources, you’re helping to expand their support system and ensure they have multiple sources of encouragement, guidance, and safety.
Final Thoughts
Navigating relationships is a learning process, and as a caring adult, your role is to offer support, not judgement. While you may not be able to control their choices, you can be a consistent and understanding presence in their life. By providing a safe space, offering guidance, and reinforcing their self-worth, you can help them build the confidence to make choices that prioritize their well-being. Your patience and compassion can make all the difference in their journey toward healthier relationships.