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Understanding and Addressing Blame and Shame for Survivors of Sexual Violence
Sexual violence is a violation of our most fundamental right to body autonomy and can leave survivors grappling with a range of complex emotions and experiences. Two of the most common yet deeply distressing emotions that arise in the aftermath of sexual violence are blame and shame.
Defining Blame and Shame
Blame: An act of assigning responsibility or fault. In the context of sexual violence, blame often manifests when survivors (or those around them) incorrectly place responsibility for the assault on the survivor rather than on the perpetrator.
Shame: A feeling of humiliation or distress arising from believing that one’s own actions, thoughts, or very identity are inherently wrong or unacceptable. Survivors may feel shame about their bodies, about what happened to them, or about how others perceive them.
These emotions are interlinked; feeling blamed can reinforce a sense of shame, and shame can fuel self-blame.
Why Survivors May Experience Blame and Shame
Cultural and Societal Misconceptions
We live in a societal context often referred to as a “rape culture,” where sexual violence is normalized, trivialized, or excused. From an early age, many of us are exposed to victim-blaming attitudes and harmful myths that suggest survivors “should have prevented” the assault. These beliefs sometimes manifest in questions like “How could the perpetrator have known it wasn’t consensual?” or “Did you say ‘no’ clearly enough?” Such questions shift the focus, and responsibility, away from the person who committed harm and onto the survivor, creating an environment that fosters guilt, self-blame, and shame.
Moreover, media portrayals and common safety “tips” further reinforce the notion that survivors must constantly guard against potential assaults. Statements like “Don’t walk alone at night,” “Don’t wear your hair down,” or “Don’t dress provocatively” send the message that if a person experiences sexual violence, it might be because they failed to follow these rules. This implication is deeply harmful and untrue: a survivor’s clothing, choices, or circumstances never excuse or justify sexual violence. Perpetrators are solely responsible for their actions. Challenging these misconceptions and recognizing them as culturally embedded myths is a crucial step toward fostering understanding, support, and empathy for survivors.
Power Dynamics
Perpetrators frequently use tactics such as manipulation, coercion, gaslighting, or overt threats to convince survivors that they share responsibility for the assault. By questioning a survivor’s memory of events or suggesting they “wanted it” or “led them on,” perpetrators create confusion and self-doubt. These manipulative strategies can fuel a sense of guilt and shame, making survivors feel as though they should have done something differently, even though the responsibility always lies with the person who caused harm.
Adding to this complexity, a significant majority of survivors (9 out of 10) know their perpetrators personally, through family ties, romantic relationships, friendships, or other close connections. When violence is perpetrated by someone they trust or care about, survivors may struggle to reconcile the abusive behaviour with the positive aspects of the relationship. They can feel torn between loyalty, love, or social/familial expectations and the deep betrayal of having their boundaries violated. This overlap between personal identity, emotional bonds, and traumatic experiences makes it especially difficult to separate the assault from everyday life and relationships. Survivors might question their own role in the event, further intensifying self-blame and shame, or they may minimize the assault to preserve relationships or avoid conflict within a family or community.
Emotional Coping
Self-blame can emerge as an attempt to make sense of a traumatic event. By blaming themselves, some survivors feel a false sense of control over the past (“If I could have done something differently, maybe it wouldn’t have happened”), which can momentarily feel safer than accepting that it was beyond their control.
Overcoming Blame and Shame
Placing Responsibility Where It Belongs
The responsibility for sexual violence always lies with the perpetrator. No action, choice of clothing, or life circumstance ever justifies or excuses violent behaviour. Although it is normal for survivors to question whether they could have prevented the assault, these thoughts stem from trauma rather than truth.
Reframing Self-Blame
Survivors often say to themselves, “If only I had done something differently.” It can be helpful to gently counter this with affirmations such as, “I did what I needed to do to survive,” or “The violence was not my fault.” Over time, such reframing can support a healthier perspective on the event.
Therapy
Speaking with a mental health professional, especially one trained in trauma-focused approaches, can offer a safe space to unpack self-blame and process shame. Therapists may use techniques like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), or other trauma-specific modalities that address the underlying emotional impact of sexual violence.
Mindfulness and Grounding
Trauma can trigger flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, or overwhelming emotions. Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and grounding exercises (e.g., focusing on one’s senses in the present moment) can help reduce acute stress and bring a sense of calm.
Identifying Harmful Internal Scripts
Survivors often internalize messages like, “I should have fought harder,” or “I deserved it.” Gently questioning these thoughts, “Would I blame another survivor for the same thing?” helps disrupt the cycle of negative self-talk.
Affirmations and Self-Compassion
Writing or repeating phrases such as “I am worthy of care,” “I am not to blame,” or “I deserve healing” can gradually reshape a survivor’s internal narrative. Daily reminders of personal strength and resilience help combat shame-based thinking.
Learning About Trauma Responses
Understanding the common psychological responses to sexual violence (e.g., self-blame, shame, dissociation) can reassure survivors that these feelings, while distressing, are part of a recognized trauma response, not evidence of personal failure.